Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him.  Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?"  Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world."  The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?"  Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"

The driver Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.

The athiest

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,  the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below  to swallow man and boat.  As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"  Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"  "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"  "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must  understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"  The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."  The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.  Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

Bob and the magic fly

Once-upon-a-time, there was a very big fish, named Bob. Bob was the largest fish in the pond, but he wanted to be even bigger. Day and night, he would obsess about it.

One day, he was out catching flies for dinner. He managed to catch a really humungus fly that was about the size of a golf ball. Before he could swallow it though, the big fly begged and pleaded for his life. The Fly promised Bob a magic wish if he would spare his life.

Bob was a little suspicious at first. He was also very hesitant about giving up the largest fly he had seen since the nuclear power plant had moved in. Bob thought about it for a while, but the more he thought about, the more he wanted that magic wish. He was hungry, but more than anything else on this planet, he wanted to be huge.

Finally he decided to take the magic wish. The fly looked at him and said "Name your wish fish!".

"I want to be huge, really, really huge. I want to be bigger than any fish that ever lived." Bob said to the fly.

"That's really stupid" the fly said to him.

Bob looked at the fly and said "Hey asshole, are you gonna give me the wish or not?"

"I sure am." the fly said, and with that Bob started to grow. He grew and grew and grew until he was so large that he couldn't fit in the pond anymore. Bob flailed and gasped for water, but he was beached, and after a while he died.

The people fishing in their boats, the people standing on the banks of the pond, and the people who had stopped their cars on the highway, all stared in awe and wonder at this big stupid fish that was stuck on the side of the pond.

The mayor called a town meeting to decide what to do with the big fish, but members of a nearby cult came by later and claimed that the big fish had been promised to them by God. After some negotiations, a large fish barbecue was arranged, and everybody had a wonderful time, except Bob, who was of course eaten.

4 Sons

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." 

Cinderella and the Pumpkin...

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm." The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. "Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home by 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM...

At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face.

The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!" Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...." 

War of the Worlds Movie Review

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Produced by Kathleen Kennedy,Colin Wilson
Executive: Damian Collier ,Paula Wagner

Written by Josh Friedman, David Koepp

Narrated by Morgan Freeman

Starring Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Justin Chatwin, Tim Robbins, Miranda Otto

Music by John Williams

Cinematography Janusz Kamiński

Editing by Michael Kahn

Distributed by DreamWorks Pictures, Paramount Pictures

Release date(s) June 28, 2005 (Kuwait) ,June 29, 2005 (United States)

Running time 116 minutes

Country United States

Language English

War of the Worlds is a 2005 American science fiction film adaptation of H. G. Wells' novel of the same name.This Film Tell about how to Ray Ferrier (Tom Cruise) is a dock worker residing in Bayonne, New Jerseya . He must try to save her children Rachel (Dakota Fanning) and Robbie (Justin Chatwin) from an alien attack.

 One day, his ex-wife, Mary Ann (Miranda Otto), drops off their children, Rachel  and Robbie in Ray house. While Ray sleeps, Robbie takes Ray's car out of the house without his permission. When Ray wakes up, he goes out to search for his son, and notices a strange wall cloud, which starts to send out electromagnetic pulses in the form of lightning in the nearby area, which disables all working electronic devices in the area, including cars. Ray then leaves to investigate. Ray and other numerous people are then attracted to a small hole in the ground caused by the lightning strikes. The ground then starts to rip open and a massive machine standing on three long legs appears. After emerging, the Tripod makes a loud blaring sound, then opens fire with destructive heat-rays, vaporizing bystanders and destroying everything in its path. Ray manages to escape and return to his house. Knowing it is no longer safe, Ray packs up his kids and leaves.

Ray drives to Mary Ann and her new husband's house to take refuge that night. Ray meets a small news team searching the wreckage, who show him footage of Tripods destroying other cities.After hearing the siren of an approaching Tripod, the news crew leaves, and Ray, along with his children, flee to join with Mary in Boston.

The family then encounters the U.S. military preparing to mount an attack on the Tripods and slow down their advance on a hill top . Robbie, obsessed with joining the fight against the hostile Martians, leaves with the military after Ray goes to stop a couple who were carrying Rachel away. As Ray retrieves Rachel, the tripods overwhelm the military and begin to open fire on the refugees. The tripods are protected by some kind of energy shield which makes them completely invulnerable to all forms of attack. While escaping from the tripods, Ray and Rachel are offered shelter and protection by a stranger, Harlan Ogilvy (Tim Robbins), who vows revenge on the aliens after his family was killed upon their arrival. He plans to begin a resistance against the aliens, believing that more and more waves of Tripods are on their way. While hiding in Harlan's basement, they witness the Tripods spreading a strange red weed substance over the ground, and avoid detection by both a metallic snake-like probe and four aliens who arrive to explore the basement, although Ogilvy shows his desire to kill one of them. They use a mirror to fool the eye by hiding behind it. The following morning, Ogilvy suffers a mental breakdown after witnessing a Tripod harvesting blood and tissue from a human to fertilize the weed. Concerned that Ogilvy's yelling and ranting will attract the Tripods, Ray kills Ogilvy to silence him. Ray and Rachel's hideout is exposed however when another probe catches them while they sleep. Ray cripples the probe using an axe, but Rachel is so scared she flees the house, eventually being caught by a Tripod.

While pursuing the Tripod, Ray finds several hand grenades in a destroyed Humvee and detonates one of them to attract the Tripod's attention, intending to be captured and to detonate the grenades. After Ray is captured and put into a basket with Rachel and several other prisoners, the aliens try to pull Ray inside the Tripod, to be used as fertilizer for the red vine, but the other prisoners manage to pull him back out of the Fertilizer. The grenades left by Ray inside the Tripod's cabin then detonate, causing the Tripod to collapse and freeing all the captives.

Soon afterward, Ray and Rachel arrive in Boston, where they notice the red weeds are starting to dry up and die, and the Tripods appear to be dying also. They witness a Tripod acting strangely, struggling to keep balance and taking little notice of the soldiers and refugees. Ray notices a cluster of birds are circling and landing on the hood of the machine, indicating the Tripod's force fields are no longer functioning. Ray alerts nearby soldiers, who attack and destroy the Tripod with two FGM-148 Javelins and a Carl Gustav recoilless rifle, leaving it crashing through a warehouse and onto the ground. Approaching the downed Tripod, a hatch opens, revealing an alien pilot which lets out a final growl and dies. Ray and Rachel reach Mary Ann's parent's house and find her and, to their surprise, Robbie, who has somehow survived the attack on the hilltop. As the camera zooms back to overview the wrecked city and downed Tripods, the narrator reveals that the aliens were dying because they were suffering from terrestrial microbial diseases, which they contracted from consuming Earth's air and resources, and for which they had no immunity.

I think this film very exited for me. This movie is very thrilling for me. This film also gave me a lesson about never giving up in life. I am also very pleased with tom cruise's acting in this film.